Walking back in the dark, slowly placing one foot in front of the other,
I started to twirl – my mind with my feet,
Staring up at the silver moon, tears
Welling up in my heart, mouth itching to open wide and
Scream – so I knew I had to dance and
When I ran out into that open field of
Pesticide-laden too-green grass and started to
Lunge, tiptoe, skip, leap and kick –
I was dancing in Daddy’s clover field again,
Nose filled with the sweet scent of loamy earth and the
Stars were shooting sparks out of the Milky Way –
My own private fireworks…but
Opening my eyes from that beautiful dream to see that
This sky of stars was distant, not quite there –
A friend who texts while talking to you – and the grass
Stung the skin of my legs as I rolled, then
Bent backwards, almost touching, arms flailing
And as music built up in my ears, so, too
Was that displaced feeling of loneliness and
Sadness, of fear of the unknown –
Building as I grabbed pieces of air in my fist, kicking and
Stabbing and running, my breath
Heavy, panting
Heartbeat wild.
My freshman year of college was
Years long, but too short and I am
More confused of my place on Earth –
My mission, my passion, my dream –
Than ever before and as
I fell to the ground, taking one final
Bow, the glorious ending to a
Midnight dance underneath a polluted sky, in a
Field of chemical-covered grass far from home, I
Listened to the thumping beat of my soul in
My ears and as the sound died down, my
Mask of power, of unending happiness,
Love, joy, confidence – crumbled, and I was
Wailing – without tears, without sound.
Afterwards I slid my dirt-smudged toes into
My Italian sandals once more, looked
Up at the haze surrounding the moon and
Slowly walked on, putting one foot
In front of the other
Drained, full, and empty
All at once.
Aozora Brockman 