Category Archives: how i’m feeling right now :)

Gradually darkness will fall heavily upon the blue sky and close its weary eyes to sleep- on this very last day at home before I leave for ten months to Japan- a final, natural curtain that will seperate gleeful, wet, hot, stormy summer days from ones that I can only dream of.

In the summer I forced myself to work, work, work so that I would not have the energy and time to turn worries into dramatics in my head, but as the date neared- as the one-week-to-go check point ticked by- suddenly all of those thoughts and fears and uncertainties flooded forth in a big rush. I could not eat, for my stomach was knotted, I could not sleep, for late night fears could not be suppressed, and I was left in stress, confusion and exhuastion. This state and the crazy jumble of my mind caused me to glare meanly at the world, though I felt only fear.

The night before my older brother, Asa, went off to college, I realized I could not bear to let him go without a parting letter. As I sat down on my bed to write, I relived all of the memories of growing up with him, of him making dandelion braids in the spring for me to wear as a crown, of missing him when he went off to boarding school, of thinking proudly of his strength, tranquility and intellegence while working on the farm with him this summer.  Those blissful memories paralyzed me with sadness and before I knew it I was crying – letting loose completely for the first time this summer. I buried my head in my pillow and tears streamed down my face as I cried for Asa, I cried for my fears, I cried for the goodbyes I had to make to Mommy, to Daddy, to Kazami, to my best friend, Rhea…to everyone, and to my home.

It took me a while to finish the letter, but later, when I bounded up to Asa lying on his bed to give him the envelope, I looked at him and smiled.

The Goodbye Letters are all finished and presently sit on my bed, waiting to be given out, to be read. The letters have helped me put an end to most of my sadness, and now, the night before departure, I feel perfectly calm.

I understand fully that this will be the most difficult trip of my life, that anything could happen and that I will miss those I love more than I can ever comprehend. I understand all of this, yet I feel as if I am ready.

I am ready for an adventure that will change my life forever.

And so, in the calm after the storm, I wait for the curtain of darkness to fall.

With only eight days left to go, I am now stuck in the stage of Goodbyes…

Last Friday, for example, even though I was completely drained from a twelve hour Market Harvest, I agreed to go see a movie with two of my friends who are going off to college. I ended up staying up until five in the morning with them and we slipped into Dreamland just as the sun made colorful streaks in the sky on its journey up.

To say the least, I was exhausted by the time I returned home near noon. Yet I was not regretful- those precious hours were well spent.

Yesterday I held my Goodbye Party in our new shed. In all actuality, it was also a Goodbye Party for my little brother, Kazami, who is going away to a boarding school near Chicago. (He is moving in on the same day as my flight to Japan, which means Mommy has to take him to the school while Daddy has to help me through the flight process.) The party was also a talent show of sorts: my cousin Gabby performed a hilarious monologue, my other cousin Kira showed us her amazing art, while Charlie- who is an apprentice at our farm- played us some songs. My whole extended family- Grandma and Grandpa, Aunts and cousins- were present, as well as my close friends, and I was bubbling with happiness just watching everyone eat delicious food, converse, perform, and most of all, laugh.

After the performances and dinner, my friends Sarah and Rhea, as well as Kazami and his friend, Merrich, and last of all, Zane, the adorable little son of one of our apprentices, Michelle, went off to explore the creek. The boys ran ahead while we girls tried not to tumble down the hill down to the Bottomfield- which was surprisingly difficult since the gravel was dangerously loose. Tall trees surrounded us on both sides and the wind caused the green leaves to sway silently…and I was struck again at how gorgeous the land I live on is.

I remembered how when I was snapping pictures of our farm one day last week to show to my host family, I tried to imagine what they would think of our landscape. I had looked around and suddenly, the scenery I had taken for granted all these years transformed  into deep green forests teaming with life, the most beautiful shade of light blue sky above, and the sounds of happy birds and bugs buzzing, cooing, and chirping all around me. I had known, at that moment, that my host mother and sister would be blown away- as I will be, again and again, when I return home next June.

By the time I had finished marveling the beauty around me, I had made my way down the hill with my friends, walked across the field and was now facing a small gurgling stream that separated our two bottom fields. The hot, steamy air contrasted nicely with the cool water. Then, after putting wildflowers in our hair, we ran up to a hay bale and jumped on. The boys had disappeared, so we talked- about school, Japan, our future. The strong scent of the hay mingled with fresh air calmed me, and after a while I felt my airplane and Japan-related worries blow softly away from my mind with the wind.

The rest of the night everything was hilarious to me so I could not stop giggling and laughing- while we ate watermelon, played hacky-sack, while Asa juggled lemon cucumbers, while Koko ran around barking and wagging her tail every time we clapped, and while Sarah, Rhea and I formed a circle with chairs and talked as the sky burned, then darkened all around us.

When it was time to say our Goodbyes, I was still smiling-  knowing just how lucky I am to have such a beautiful home, such loving family and friends, and most of all, the strength and courage I get from the knowledge that this atmosphere of love and beauty will be waiting patiently for me to come home- forever and always.

The past few days have been stressful, to say to the least. This is because, during a meeting with the former Dean of Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism, I was faced with the possibility to not take a gap year when I get home from Japan next June. This will mean that I will have to apply to colleges from Japan, the thought of which already makes me fret…

It just seems as if I should only focus on immersing myself in Japanese culture and tradition, as well as the Japanese language, this coming year. College applications, although definitely possible if filled out online, would be a chore…as well as, I just feel rushed. I would have to sprint from my year abroad into another transition into college, out of breath, confused, not ready. I would be overjoyed to pause, even for just a second, to reflect on my life – what I strive to do in the future, included.

The whole thought of pondering this growing debacle now, when only three tiny weeks of America – time with my precious family and friends – are left, and quickly dwindling…is enough to give me a migraine. Today, when all I want is to focus on objects to pack, I am stressing about colleges. It all seems unfair to me, this sudden change in my life. I do not understand how to tackle this problem.

Saturday was spent in bliss, making a list of necessities and shopping for them with my mom, with tonkatsu for lunch. All of what I bought is neatly placed in my room, ready to be arranged in my suitcase and to be finally flown over the great Pacific Ocean to the small island country of which I will call home for the next ten months. Recently, my parents and I dragged out some dusty Tokyo maps from when my parents lived there, in order to see where I will be living and where my host school is located. I also borrowed a guide book to Tokyo from the library, only to buy another guide book in a bookstore in Chicago this weekend. It goes without saying that I am excited- overjoyed in fact- that I will be in Tokyo, with my lovely host mother and sister, in just three weeks!

But, but. Lately when I am alone, visions of my airplane crashing keep invading my brain. This will be my first ever flight alone – thirteen hours of confinement with strangers. I worry that since I am a dreamer – mechanics do not make sense to me, as they should – the simple way of putting on an oxygen mask will confuse and lead me to a chaotic death, if, of course, my airplane does crash. I understand that airplanes do not crash often and that the possibility of this happening to me is slim to none. Yet, I worry. I stress. I bite my nails.

Strangely, this only happens when I am alone – in my room or outside working by myself in the heat. The nightmares come suddenly and take my breath away. I remind myself that my Japanese grandma, though she cannot speak a word of English, valiantly took every airplane flight to America by herself for over ten years. I strive to borrow some of that courage and stride into the airplane cabin with my head held high.

I honestly desire to – if it will really happen, I do not know.

So that is the way these days fly by before departure – in worry, stress, excitement, hope, and slowly brewing bravery.

Last Saturday, July 17th, was exactly a month-one! it’s true!- before my departure. Up until now, it seems as if I was focusing more on my strenuous, farm girl life of early mornings and sweaty hoeing, but now that that critical point has passed, I can feel my mind slowly shift to worries about packing, goodbyes, and airplane nightmares.

Since the exact day that I received my contact information about my host family in Tokyo, I have been emailing both my host mother and host sister nonstop – so much so that my mother believed that I was bothering them. It seems that I cannot control my excitement – to know as much as I possibly can about how I will spend my ten months there. After a long strain of emails and getting to know both of these special people, I am immensely relieved at how kind and fabulous they are! My desire to meet them increases as I read each email they send me. 🙂

But now, stress about packing consumes my brain. I worry that I won’t bring enough, will bring too little…the list goes on. Since I will not be home for a year and since Japan is a thirteen hour airplane ride away, if I would forget something special, I would have to live without it. So I am racking my brain, endlessly, it seems, to come up with every single special item I own…though, interestingly, I do not have many.

Some days, I look in the mirror and think I am too young to depart my comfortable life tucked in between special people and special scenery. I do not feel ready for the multi-million populated Tokyo, then, as I stare into my scared eyes in the mirror. Yet I have made the decision to go, and I will not let down myself as to give up on this life-long dream now that it is close enough to taste, feel, and touch…

It’s five thirty, and the guilt of not working hard enough today is building inside of me – so I will now assume my back-breaking farm work once again.

It’s been a while since I last wrote and a lot has changed since then. For example, I finished my last day at Eureka High School, forever! It hasn’t really sunk in yet, but a while from now I’ll feel depressed, but not now! Now I work fifty hours a week on my dad’s organic farm, weeding, harvesting, mulching, sweating, laughing…it’s difficult work, but it definitely keeps my mind occupied and prevents me from stressing about Japan too much. But my brain still finds time to worry about anything and everything that might or might not happen in Japan next year. Some nights I can’t get to sleep because I keep thinking of what would happen if I didn’t get to my next plane during my layover in Toronto. It’s all sinking in that my trip is actually reality and I’m not dreaming it all up and right now, that’s terrifying for me.

As the date of my departure -August 17th- looms closer and closer, I am starting to prepare myself mentally for Japan. I recently bought six Japanese magazines, for instance, and I am currently reading them cover to cover, making sure to read a little bit before I go to sleep every night. In this way, I am studying Japanese culture and fashion, as well as stepping up my Japanese reading skills. I have also decided to write bits and pieces of Japanese every day, also, because I am forgetting some kanji and also because I know the Japanese curriculum in Japanese high school next year will be exceptionally difficult.

I still am in the dark on what part of the country I am going to in a few months, and the anticipation is killing me. There are so many possibilities of where I could be placed and those possibilities appear and disappear in daydreams, constantly. But I also know that I will be content anywhere I am placed in Japan, so I try not to set my heart on a particular city or area in Japan. I hope to know this month, or at the latest in July.

I know, deep down, that everything will turn out as planned, but somewhere in my mind I’m worrying that it won’t. I worry that my flight will be cancelled, that my host family placement will not be made, that I won’t be going to Japan after all…and these possibilities terrify me. As much as I desire this study abroad year to happen, however, I wish I could have more time here to prepare. It’s happening too quickly now…

Lately I’ve been thinking of how quickly these weeks seem to be going by. It seems like only yesterday that I was freaking out about the ACT being in April, and now that day is actually here. Tomorrow. When this week is over, soon the ACS project ( a huge group project for American Cultural Studies) will be history, then my senior pictures will be taken, school will be over, and I will start working for more than fifty hours a week on my dad’s organic farm. Then….in less than four months from now I will be flying over the Pacific Ocean to land in Tokyo!!

It’s depressing to think that everything I’ve ever known in my whole life will be over in such a short time. Last night I was staring at my room while lying on my bed, thinking that it is so surreal that I will never see or sleep in my room for a whole year next year. But the feeling of adventure and excitement propels me forward. I feel like, for once in my life, I am truly ready for something.

But I have to get through this one important week of my life this week before I really start to obsess over anything and everything about my future. I am going to take the ACT tomorrow at school, a PSAE on Thursday, and a SAT on Saturday. I used to really worry about what I could get on the ACT, but right now I just want to do the very best that I can. Hopefully I will get scores that will please both me and the rest of my family, but that doesn’t matter that much to me anymore. Sure, I want to get the best scores I possibly can, but my life does not depend on or change because of one small test score. The test I’m not very prepared for is the SAT. I haven’t gone over the test in detail, so I might not get the score I want, but that also does not matter so much. I just want to be happy with my life 🙂

But it does seem like everything is happening this week and next week. For example, this Saturday is Prom. Then next Tuesday is the ACS Project performance, then Wednesday I am planning to go with my parents to check out Mizzou. Hopefully I will get to tour the Journalism School and see if they would give me any scholarships. My older brother Asa is coming home from Alabama on Saturday or Sunday.

I am so lucky to have such a happy life…with loving people all around. I want to treasure these moments with them as much as possible 🙂